- Adam says the fight with CT was the biggest mistake of his life. Yeah, except for going on this ridiculous show to begin with.
- Shauvon announces that she has big boobs. America rolls its collective eyes.
- Danny stuns us by noting that Wes is now dating KellyAnne. Wha-wha-whaaaaaa? I can’t believe I didn’t know this already. Bad form on my part. This just confirms that these people all travel in one tiny, bizarre universe where all they do is work out and drink with college kids for a living.
- Wes in turn declares that his whole reason for competing this year was to screw things up between him, KellyAnne, Kenny, Cohutta, and Johanna. At last, a love pentagon!
TJ then spells out the teams and the rules. Love the concept of stealing the money from the person that you face off in the ruins. My roommate Brett remarks that this is basically a rip-off of The Highlander. Frankly, this is the smartest thing he’s ever said, and I do NOT mean that as an insult.
The opening montage follows. It is a tremendous disappointment following the masterpiece that was the Haka chant we came to know and love in The Duel 2. Then again, The Godfather 3 would’ve been regarded as decent had it not followed Godfather 1 and 2.
Katie announces that she’s back because she just got engaged, and the best way to start a marriage is with a bunch of money. Some people might say that spending time with your loved one is more important, but we’re glad to see that Katie has her head squarely on her shoulders.
Uh-oh, dissention in the Champions ranks – apparently everyone hates Wes, because he thinks he’s the shit. Did he know that he was our preseason pick to win it all? There seems to be a rivalry brewing already between him and Evan. Seriously, fellas, just pull them out and see who’s bigger.
Tonya: Vomiting on night 1! Frankly, we’ve come to expect nothing less.
KellyAnne declares that if she and Wes can “get through this with 2 of our serious exes here and everyone hating us, we’re golden!” Yeah, your winnings should set you up for life, you won’t have any worries from here on out.
After the break, the Champions settle on a method of picking Ruins nominees. Evan suggests a majority vote, whereas Wes prefers drawing names from a hat. The rest of the team sides with Evan, which ticks Wes off. Veronica later says that Wes has a small d*ck. I'm choosing to believe she has actual knowledge of this because of an orgy.
Shauvon doesn’t know what people think about her. Most likely this is because the massive boobs are robbing her brain of blood supply.
Tonya ADMITS that she’s “slightly unstable.” This is a little like Fat Albert saying he’s put on a few pounds. When the others start making fun of Walla Walla, Washington, Tonya’s new residence, she starts bitching about them taking shots at her “personal life.” Did she name the town or something? Sadly, she doesn’t start a fight with Ev. Syrus and Adam set her straight.
Diem in the PM says she “loves to compete.” In hair-flipping contests, maybe. But we’ve rarely seen her step up and beat anyone in a significant way.
Hmmmm, Ev is reaching out to Wes. Is this because of her friendship with KellyAnne, or because she admires anyone who’s as full of themselves as she is? Wes then attempts to get everyone to think he’ll throw the forthcoming team challenge.
Challenge time!!! Evidently the Ruins nominees are picked before the challenge. We here at the 4th Major Sport did not expect this.
- Challenger Ladies: Diem in the PM, Sarah, and Shauvon
- Challenger Men: Chet, Cohutta, and Nick
- Champion Ladies: Johanna, Tonya and Suzie
- Champion Men: Kenny, Darrell, and Wes
The Challenge involves climbing up a rope to a platform and ringing a gong. But only 1 player on a team can climb at 1 time – everyone else is hanging on the rope until the gong rings. Most people wins – time is only a tiebreaker.
Oh, good grief, Diem in the PM thinks she’s a team leader…this is a bad omen for the Challengers.
Dunbar won’t win the chivalrous act of the year award…he drops Shauvon into the water rather than lift her up. Classy!
When the Champions start their turn, they still don’t think Wes is serious about throwing the challenge. But then he starts shaking the rope and trying to knock them all off! This guy has clearly gone off the deep end. Not surpisingly, he knocks Ibis off…but since she was above him, the rules say he’s out, too. Thus ends his efforts at sabotage.
Susie says the guys are throwing the girls up the rope. That’s what HGH will do for ya! Unfortunately, Katie is proving to be a hindrance. Seriously, how did this girl ever win one of these things? This is why we need MTV Classic, so we can review the tapes. Until then it’s a mystery.
Both teams put 12 on the platform, so time decides. Not surprisingly, the Champs dominated. On paper this looks like a bigger mismatch than the Veterans vs. the Rookies in The Gauntlet III. Of course, that was the Challenge that proved that every team has its fatal flaw...and eerily foreshadowed the Giants beating the Pats in Super Bowl XL.
Uh-oh, Darrell is insinuating that KellyAnne has slept with every man in the house to get under Wes’ skin. He also says that you can’t turn a ‘ho into a housewife. KellyAnne then lists everyone whom she has fooled around with, and while it’s not clear who all she mentions, it definitely goes beyond Cohutta and Wes. Nice! Wes thinks Darrell is attempting to goad him into a fight so that he’d get sent home…and holy mackerel, there they go! It’s a mutually consented-to fight! Sadly the commercial kicks in, leading to the longest 3 minutes of the night.
After the break, it really looks like this thing’s gonna go down…until Darrell backs out. He tries to play it off like he’s just waiting to fight another time, but come on, that was a cop out.
Deliberations commence for who’s going to the Ruins. It appears that the winning team picks not just who goes in from the OTHER team, but from THEIR team as well. This was not clear in the preseason press release! We at the 4th Major Sport apologize for failing to dig up this detail for the season preview. In an unmitigated disaster for my fantasy purposes, the women’s battle will be between Tonya and Diem, both of whom are on my team. CRAP.
Wes plays it off like he’s volunteering, but he would have been put in anyway. The team first allows him to pick, but when he picks Chet, they backslide. Why? Because they want him to lose, of course! Yet they settle on Chet anyway, somehow believing that he’s got a better shot at taking out Wes than Nick or Cohutta. Apparently they weren’t paying attention earlier when he was wearing a purple bow tie with a t-shirt.
Tonya, wisely, prepares for the matchup against Diem by…getting drunk! Only on the Challenge do so-called “athletes” brag about their abilities while binge-drinking and chain-smoking, and that’s why I love it.
Chet tells Tonya that “I don’t really know you, but you’re a great person.” Clearly, the second half of that sentence has never been said to her without the first half preceding it.
Love that all the challenger ladies are wearing purple to support Chet! It’s the world’s first purple-out! The Penn State students would be proud. Chet apparently has decided to follow the example of Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens and wear the bow tie AT ALL TIMES.
The Ruins round involves building a ladder with bamboo, climbing up, and ringing a gong.
Stunningly, the speed element appears to be favoring Chet when the commercial break comes. The bamboo keeps falling off the hooks, making things tricky. The pace slows, and Wes’ experience takes over. While Chet makes a valiant effort, Wes is able to ring his gong first and keep the $1400 in his bank account. Chet takes his bow tie and goes home. Meanwhile Kenny announces that they’ll put Wes in every week until he loses. That should make things interesting.
Girls matchup time! Consensus is that the still hung-over Tonya has little to no chance, but she jumps out to the early lead. Diem declares that she will not let herself lose. Tonya exhibits admirable self-awareness by saying that the challenge concept is so simple that “even Tonya can get this!” The race is neck and neck (at least thanks to the magic of editing) when Tonya rings her gong, sending Diem home. So sad, I actually like Diem.
The episode closes with the Champions confirming that they are united against Wes. This is pretty shocking, frankly, since the final challenge is a team event. Have none of them seen this guy before? We’ll see how this rift affects their chances as the season progresses. Until next time!
Kenny
